


The Empurress' New Clothes

by untimelyWatchman



Category: Homestuck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-10
Updated: 2014-01-10
Packaged: 2018-01-08 04:47:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,018
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1128511
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/untimelyWatchman/pseuds/untimelyWatchman
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In the midst of operation Regisurp, Nepeta awakes on Derse and runs into a member of the Red Team. Shenanigans ensue.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Empurress' New Clothes

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Neoster](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Neoster/gifts).



The night air on Derse—that being the only kind of air there was—had a truly singular aroma to it; a rich, sooty body with a gothic finish, like snorting the ashes of a Troll John Grisham novel off the front pew of a cathedral. Terezi inhaled again, gagging appreciatively. This was indeed how a planet so hospitable to the criminal element should smell. Still, for all the olfactory tourism she was beginning to get impatient. The alley in which she was lurking made her feel a bit like a criminal herself, and less like the daring revolutionary for justice that she absolutely was. Biting her lip, she fumbled in her pockets for a bit of chalk, anything to distract from the tedium.

The shadows moved behind her. She heard them. Not that there was any accompanying footfall, only the brushing of shadow on lamplight. That was too quiet for her Dersite contact, too quiet by half. Grinning with anticipation, she gave the intruder two more seconds before she leapt, spinning midair to come face to fang with—

“Nepeta?” Terzei gasped. “How can you be here?” Her adrenaline-heightened senses swept the smaller troll's light frame, taking in purple. Lots of it, nearly indistinguishable from the architecture. Gone was Nepeta's accustomed mewbeast hat, and her careworn jacket was replaced with a flowing violet robe emblazoned with the sign of the crescent moon. “Of course,” she said, lowering her guard. “You've awakened.”

Nepeta huffed. “Aw, I was hoping it would be a surpurrise.” Then in an instant her disappointment melted into hungry exhiliration. “But the dreaded Derse Cat Burglar is herself surpurrised. She would never have pawsibly imagined finding the great and brilliant Dragon detective so alone and far from her purrcinct.”

“Hmm, but the clever and ravenous detective is terribly busy and has no time today to worry about apprehending mere cat burglars.” Terezi turned partly away, a wide smile opening beneath her inscrutable glasses.

“You—I mean she... doesn't?”

“Oh yes! Though she can barely bare to see any potential criminal escape her claws, she is in fact deep, deep undercover on a mission that will pit her against the very heart of evil in the city.”

“It will?” Nepeta asked, her face bright as any 12th perigee's eve arboreal decoration.

“Definitely.” Terezi turned her head to grin over her shoulder, hand sliding stealthily into her sylladex. “Which is why she must delegate that honor to her most unconventional, most ruthless subordinate... Officer Pyralspite!”

Nepeta shrieked delight as the dragon plush jumped into her hand with a pop. The pair took off with Terezi in pursuit holding the officer, Nepeta doing her best to keep out of reach of his terrible plush jaws. By the time the Dersite Dignitary stepped into the alley, the dangerous loose cannon had pinned the infamous cat burglar down in the corner between two dumpsters and was proceeding to ravage her about the face and throat stem amidst her shrill giggles and protests. His cruel eyeslits narrowed even further at the sight. What was all the rumpus about, he wanted to know. 

Both trolls stood guiltily to attention, various odd colors painting their cheeks in the dim light. “Preparations for operation Regisurp,” the taller one said, placing a tight hand on the other's shoulder. “We are both entirely strife-ready.” 

Nevermind that, he told them, trying to ignore the odd way they seemed to be shaking and covering their mouths. He was a big fish in the hierarchy here, the brains of the operation, really, and far too important to have to deal with flighty broads.

The plan had changed, the Dignitary informed them. From somewhere on his person he managed to produce a small but impressive spike encrusted edifice, from which spilled several tightly bundled packages, each topped with a fashionable hat. If Derse was going to have new leadership it was time to bring about real meaningful revolution. Shake things up a bit. The regime wasn't the only thing that needed changing around here; the picture was a bit broader than that, if they got his meaning.

They didn't. Like usual, he had to spell it out for them.

 

* * *

 

“Yeeugh, what a creep!” Nepeta hissed, adjusting her clawhold on the shingles along the edge of the dropoff. “Why do you gotta do what he says, anyway?”

They were in the undercity now, one of the many crevasses and networks of catwalks that led towards the planet's core. While the upper city existed primarily for the working class Dersites, the lower rows housed some of its more fearsome inhabitants while they were away from the battlefield; rooks, bishops, knights, and other strange titans that walked in the absolute darkness.

Terezi sighed. “Your keen nose has detected the unmistakable odor of stupid, which this entire situation reeks of. Basically if we help Mr. Charcoal Briquette back there and his friends, we take down the Black Queen. It was Karkat's idea. Sort of.” She paused in her climb to analyze a nearby onyx sign swinging unsteadily over the pit. “C7. We're close.” She turned back to Nepeta, who was slowly finishing her descent. “Alright, what's the hold up? There is literally no way that you climb slower than a girl who can't see.”

“Look, it's really nothing, okay? I just... don't know if I should be here.” She slumped down next to the wall they had recently finished scaling, staring away over the side of the chasm. “I'm on the other team anyway. He'd purrobably get super mad if he knew I was somewhere all dark and nasty like this, you know? I just don't want there to be any purroblems.”

“Come on, we've been over this!—” Terezi began, but Nepeta wasn't listening. Scrunching up her face, she bared an arm.

“Terezi, I'm sorry! I purromise!” She pinched herself hard, claws digging into skin as she let out a little gasp and looked all the way away, as if it would explode. Terezi waited with a bemused expression, arms crossed, as the realization sunk in.

“I can't wake up! How do I wake up?”

“Not telling,” Terezi grinned. “Not yet. It appears, Ms Felonberry Cat Burglar, that you have no choice but to come along.” Walking over she held out a hand. “Remember what my contact told us about the job? I've got a plan, but I need you to pull it off.” 

"Really?" Nepeta asked, genuinely surprised. 

"Of course. And since I am so brilliant at machinations, and a Seer to boot, you are basically guaranteed that we will triumph splendiforously." She threw her other arm out in a grand gesture, tilting her head invitingly. "Come on, it'll be an adventure!" Hesitantly, Nepeta took her proffered wrist and allowed herself to be helped to her feet. 

The path they were taking became a grand bridge that spanned the abyss between some large bureaucratic building and, far above, the grand imperial prison. Above them a cage-like latticework of stone covered the path in an arch, and gargoyle basilisks sneered down with broad toothy smiles. Since the start of their team's operation on Derse, Terezi had heard rumors of the unspeakable brutalities said to occur within the purple iron walls of the prison, a constant reminder of what might happen should they fail. Evidently Nepeta might have as well, from the way her ears twitched and her eyes darted about at the slightest noise.

“Nepeta,” Tererzi said, breaking the silence. “You don't really have to come.”

“Yeah.” The cattroll let out a tiny sigh “It's pretty here, but I think this place might be kind of terrible.” But she didn't let go of Terezi's wrist. “Why is it just you, anyway?” she asked eventually. “Where's Karkitty and everyone?”

“Rrrrgh. Something stupid happened, and now nobody wants to go ahead with the plan anymore. Can we save the feelings jam for later though? Unless you've decided to dump your sweaty blueberry friend all of a sudden.”

“No!” It was perhaps a bit harsher than she'd meant it. “It's just I think it's pawful that your team would let you do this dangerous no-fun mission all by yourself. I don't think I even like the teams actually, I mostly just miss you, and Kanaya, and everyone!” 

“I know. I miss you too. Even if some of you are horrible. Or dead. Or sweaty.”

“That thing that happened,” Nepeta asked, after a pause “was it Vwhiskers?”

“Yes,” said Terezi heavily. “It was Vwhiskers.” 

Nepeta held her hand just a little tighter. They walked the rest of the way in silence.

 

* * *

 

The caravan was right were the traitorous Agent had predicted it would be. In front of the wagons a platoon of foot-soldiers marched holding pikes and banners. To either side, nearly filling the street, were two rooks, armored shoulders swinging steadily with their gait. The whole procession had a relaxed air, a certain lack of uniformity to the soldiers steps, a banner here and there that leaned slightly from proper straightness. From her vantage point several stories up, Terezi licked her lips.

“Just tell me when,” Nepeta, hissed, excited. Her body was taut, ready for the hunt. While Terezi was a veteran of the Flarp fields, she had no illusions that Nepeta would be more in her element here. The smaller troll was a born hunter, regularly bringing down large prey in the already perilous bestiary that was Alternian wildlife.

Still, this wasn't that kind of mission. She shook her head. “Not like that. We can't let them see us, or this will all be a stupid waste of time.” She pointed to the third wagon in the train, the one in between the two towering guardians. “All we have to do is get inside there... and that's why I need your help”

“What do we do then?”

“Just trust me,” Terezi said, breaking into another grin. “This is going to be as easy as dreaming!”

The Dersite scouts were not expecting any sort of attack, not at the heart of their home world, but they nevertheless kept a vigilant eye in front of them for any trouble. None of them noticed the two trolls descending on them from above, one supporting the other by the arms in an awkward backwards hug. Within seconds, the levitating saboteurs had slipped between the carts and into the back of the third wagon.

“I didn't know I could fly like that!” Nepeta whispered, though she was beaming enough for two meowbeasts. 

“It's a dreamself thing.” Terezi replied. She swiftly took stock of the interior, which was lined with ornate oak chests that smelled deliciously of Skaian pine. “I'll teach you more later, but for now we need to finish the job.”

One by one, Nepeta removed the packages their contact had given them while Terezi made short work of the locks with her cane. Beneath their feet the cart rumbled steadily, giving no indication that their intrusion had been noticed. Terezi paused to lift the lid on one container, and gave the contents a judicious sniff. What she smelled, a dark, regal black with just the sweet hint of licorice gave her pause, and she lifted up one of the pieces of fabric for a cursory lick. 

“These are clothes.” she said at last. “He sent us to raid the royal wardrobe. This mission could not be any more unbelievably shitty and yet somehow the more I think about it, the worse it gets!”

“To be purrfectly honest I didn't really get anything that guy was saying,” Nepeta admitted, looking at the packages. Upon closer inspection, each was an immaculately tailored backup suit, with matching backup hat, in sizes that seemed unlikely to have been made for any average Dersite. “Why does he want us to switch all their clothing? Wouldn't that just make them angry or something?”

“He's counting on their vanity. Dersite royalty is infamous for it, which is actually the basis for Regisurp in the first place.” Terezi ground her teeth as the full implications sunk in. “It's not just their clothes he wants to change. If their options are to admit that we pulled this off or to pretend it was their idea in the first place, they'll probably make everyone in the kingdom wear a suit just like him! And not just the Dersites either, they have direct control over all the monsters and servants their archagents send after us.”

Nepeta giggled, then realized her mistake and clamped a hand over her mouth. “You mean the basilisks would be wearing little hats like this?” she asked, gleeful.

“Maybe! How should I know if this amazingly terrible idea is even going to work?” By this point she was pacing irritably, not really taking care to muffle her footsteps.

“Terezi, wait!” Nepeta warned, holding up her hands. Terezi stopped, scowling but attentive. “Just empty your sylladex. I've got a pawsitively wonderful idea.”

The final count, once both of them had managed to work through their respective modus, was eight jars of paint, thirty-some-odd scalemates, several yards of fabric, even more yards of rope, sets of improvised forensic equipment, a small pile of colored buttons, an assortment of blades in various shapes and styles, and most importantly, a great deal of yarn and thread “borrowed” from Kanaya and never returned.

“Nepeta, you are a truly incomparable genius,” Terezi beamed, giving her a hug nearly tight enough to bruise. “Now come on. We have a lot of work to do before we get to the palace.” For the rest of the ride, neither of them could really stop smiling at the thought of what was to come.

 

* * *

CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG] RIGHT NOW has started a memo on the board WHAT THE SHITHIVE FUCKING MAGGOTS FUCK.,.

CCG: TEREZI.  
CCG: I KNOW YOU'RE THERE.  
CCG: I'VE GOT AN ABSOLUTELY FASCINATING STORY FOR YOU.  
CCG: I ALMOST JUST HAD MY THINK PAN RELOCATED TO THE AREA OF MY WASTE CHUTE BY A CARNELIAN GICLOPS, AND YOU'D NEVER GUESS WHAT HE WAS WEARING.  
CCG: OR WAIT, ACTUALLY YOU FUCKING MIGHT, BECAUSE IT WAS WEARING YOUR FUCKING STUPID-ASS ROLEPLAYING DRAGON CAPE!  
CCG: IN FACT ALL OF THEM ARE. EVERY LAST RETARDED MONSTER WE HAVE TO DEFEAT IN THE ENTIRETY OF OUR GOD-AWFUL GAME SESSION.  
CCG: NOIR IS ABOUT TO HAVE HIS BLOODPUSHER LITERALLY EXPLODE OUT ALL AVAILABLE ORIFICES, AND BY THE WAY, HE SAYS THE DEAL IS OFF.  
CCG: NO MORE REGISURP. I HOPE WHATEVER ADHESIVE MUNCHING WRIGGLER-LEVEL SATISFACTION YOU'RE GETTING OUT OF THIS IS WORTH IT, SINCE OUR BEST SHOT AT VICTORY JUST TOOK A LONG HIKE OFF A FUCKING SHORT MOORING STATION.  
CURRENT gallowsCalibrator [CGC] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CGC: >;]  
CCG banned CGC from responding to memo.  
CURRENT aresenicCatnip [CAC] RIGHT NOW is responding to memo.  
CAC: :33 < ;33  
CCG: WAIT, WHAT??  
CURRENT aresenicCatnip [CAC] RIGHT NOW ceased responding to memo.  
CCG: WHAT THE FUCK, NEPETA?! AREN'T YOU ON THE OTHER TEAM?  
CCG:WHAT IN THE 5TH CIRCLE OF THE MISERABLE FUCKING HELL THAT IS LEADING YOU BULGEFONDLERS IS GOING ON??  
  
* * *

 

“The strength of the dark forces groweth daily, noble champions,” the White queen intoned. Nepeta groaned quietly. The outfit Equius had forced her to wear (something about her regular garb being “ine%cusable” for meetings with royalty) was too tight and made Nepeta itch, despite being alchemized out of something that already fit her. “To bringeth and stop to this blighte, we decree that thou must retrieve for us... twelve Capes of the dreade Giclops!”

“Eh... capes?” Eridan asked. Nepeta was frankly amazed that he had even shown up for this, and his expression showed that he clearly wished he hadn't. “I have personally taken out two—no, three hundred a those things, and never saw anyfin like a cape.” He turned, tossing his scarf angrily. “Whatever losers. I'll be on Lowaa. Not that any a you care.” The crowd of Prospitian attendents parted before him as he clomped out of the throneroom.

“Seariously!” Feferi exclaimed the moment he was out of earshot. “Everyone here is so nice to us, why does he have to be so glubbing impossible?”

“Aw, I think he doesn't really mean it,” Nepeta cut in. “Equius, maybe you can talk to him? If we have to fight, you know, his rifle would be really strong...”

Her moirail seemed startled, but thoughtful. “You may have a point,” he said. “I will go at once after the highblood. You are not to do anything dangerous until I return, is that clear?”

“Pawsitively,” she grinned.

With two of the group already departed, it didn't take long for those remaining to drift off to their own devices. Sollux sunk into a coding trance, only to be dragged out of it by Feferi, who seemed entirely too keen to chat about something. She would have to update her wall again, by the looks of it. Aradia just stared blankly ahead, whatever thoughts she may be having inscrutable as ever. It didn't take much for Nepeta to excuse herself and sneak away to the outside wall of the palace, where the outlines of Prospit's tallest towers were visible against Skaia's glorious light.

“The mighty dragonyyd was getting impatient!” Terezi announced from behind her. She completed her descent, till her toes almost touched the golden stonework. “She was beginning to wonder if her feline ally was ever going to make it. Where are the others, by the way?”

Nepeta shielded her eyes to smile up at her mischeviously “not going anywhere for a while, that's fur sure.”

“Excellent! In that case, I declare this meeting of Team Rowdy Adventure Fellowship officially in session! Move to second the motion?”

“Aye!” Nepeta cried, bounding up into her friend's hovering arms. The giclopses could probably wait, she thought. She tightened her hold around Terezi's shoulders as they soared gracefully through the palace architecture, past waterfalls gleaming with golden light and cascading stairways reaching far into the heavens. It really was almost like flying with a dragon, if she only squinted at Terezi's wild sharp-set smile inches above her nose. 

And the adventure was only just beginning.

**Author's Note:**

> Fluff is not normally my schtick, but I absolutely thought this pairing called for it, and have made my best attempt to compromise. I had fun writing it. Hopefully you, dear giftee, have at least a little reading it as well.


End file.
